Watching Boris Squirm…with The Gilmore Girls!
A Comedic interlude (I hope) featuring a clash of cultural personalities as the Gilmore Girls sit down to watch Boris Johnson’s Covid briefing where the focus will be on the no.10 Christmas Party that didn’t happen…
Scene: Soft snow is falling as Rory approaches the front door and pushes her key into the door, opening it slowly.
Rory: I’M HERE.
From off screen: QUICK! You’re going to miss the start!
Scene: Lorelei is sat on the sofa, a low table in front of her covered in an array of snacks, cakes and steaming cups. The TV is on and the Covid briefing is about to begin.
Enter Rory, throwing her bag in an empty armchair, she slumps down on the sofa next to Lorelei.
Lorelei: Hmmpfff! Not impressed by your time keeping young lady!
Rory: It’s snowing! The roads are terrible.
Lorelei: Excuses not accepted! What were you thinking? Priorities!
Rory: (sighs) I know! I need to sort my life out! How could I risk missing this.
Lorelei: Cake? Coffee? Cheeseburger? All of the above?
Rory: Cheeseburger? Really?
Lorelei: This just tells me even more than your shocking tardiness that you’re not serious about this whole business. How could you even think of watching Boris at his Covid briefing…without a cheeseburger?
Rory: You’re right again! Of course! If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it…
Lorelei: Quick! Quick! Here they come!
Rory: Do you think they rehearse this? What if they all went for the same lectern?
Lorelei: They must do! There’s probably a parliamentary lectern choreographer. It’s the only possible explanation.
Rory: They’re cold!
Lorelei: That’s a bit hasty! They might be thoroughly nice people!
Rory: The burgers! They’re cold!
Lorelei: No excuses young lady! Chocolate cake?
Rory: Did you…
Lorelei: How dare you! Of course I didn’t. I got Luke to make them for us!
Rory: In that case! Yes! I would love some!
Lorelei: Sprinkles or no sprinkles?
Rory: There’s a choice?
Lorelei: Derrrr!
Rory: Stupid question!
Lorelei: Don’t you think Boris’s hair always looks like it’s just got out of bed?
Rory: Does it have a life of its own?
Lorelei: (bends her head sideways) I think that’s a safe assumption!
Rory: (bends her head sideways) I think you could have hit the nail on the head there! It does look like it’s just got out of bed!
Lorelei: (shakes her head and shivers) Grrrr! I’ve got that image in my head now.
Rory: What image?
Lorelei: Boris getting out of bed!
Together: Eeeeeeewwwwww!
Rory: Quick! Lean back! Shall I call a doctor? (she flaps her hand over Lorelei’s forehead)
Lorelei: Just pass me that other cheeseburger!
Rory: Why do they always go through all this Covid stuff first?
Lorelei: I don’t know. Surely they know we’re only watching because we want the lowdown on the Christmas party.
Rory: Exactly! But wait…Laura Kuenssberg is asking a question.
Lorelei: Who?
Rory: My hero. Laura Kuenssberg.
Lorelei: But, I thought Christiane was your hero?
Rory: She is. But I’m entitled to have more than one hero! Oh no, the phone!
Lorelei: I’m trying to ignore it.
Rory: What if someone’s dying?
Lorelei: It’s stopped. They must be dead!
Rory: At least it was quick! Such a blessing!
Lorelei: Small mercies. I wonder if it was Taylor?
Rory: Are you hoping or wondering?
Lorelei: I take the 5th.
Rory: Good decision. Oh no! It’s ringing again!
Lorelei: The Lord be praised! Don’t…
Rory: Too late! (then to the phone) Hello, the Gilmore residence! If it’s not vitally important please call back!
Scene: Cut to Richard on the other end of the phone.
Richard: Rory! It’s your Grandfather.
Scene: Cut back to Rory and Lorelei.
Rory: It’s for you! (she passes the phone to Lorelei)
Lorelei: Hello!
Richard: It’s your Father. What is going on there?
Lorelei: Are you dying?
Richard: No! I’m not dying!
Lorelei: Thank you. Goodbye! (she hangs up)
Scene: Cut back to Richard looking in disgust at the phone.
Scene: Cut back to Lorelei and Rory.
Lorelei: He’s not dying.
Rory: Small mercies!
Lorelei: Oh, Boris is explaining the party thing.
They listen intently for a minute.
Rory: How does he do that?
Lorelei: Do what?
Rory: Lie without breaking sweat?
Lorelei: Practice! Lots of practice!
Rory: Yes, he’s had lots of that!
Lorelei: Brexit!
Rory: Brexit!
Lorelei: But he does have a lot of make up on.
Rory: He does. That can’t be ruled out as a factor. It must be very good make up not to run.
Lorelei: He’s the Prime Minister. He wouldn’t have cheap make up.
Rory: Do you think they had mistletoe?
Lorelei: If they had any sense they would’ve taken it down before the party started.
Rory: I suppose!
Lorelei: Imagine getting in a clinch with Boris under the berries?
Rory: Do I have to?
Together: Eeeeewwwww!
Lorelei: We’ve wandered off into the twilight zone.
Rory: The twilight zone with jingle bells.
Lorelei: It is snowing.
Rory: Oh no! The door!
Lorelei: People have no respect.
Rory: They don’t! Can we ask them to wait?
Lorelei: Until Spring?
Rory: They might get hungry.
Lorelei: They’re not having any of our cake!
Rory: I wouldn’t presume to suggest such…
Lorelei: They’re not going away.
Rory: They’re not.
Together: WHO IS IT?
Scene: Cut to Luke stamping his feet and shivering at the front door.
Luke: IT’S ME!
Scene: Cut back to Rory and Lorelei.
Together: WE’RE NOT HOME!
